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Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Alley Reflections (poem) Revised
I've posted before about Absolute Write, a message board for writers I used to frequent. Although I've not hung around the forum for a while, I submitted a poem I wrote a while back and got great feedback. Again, no matter the level of your writing experience, this is the place for good critiques (and they do expect you to reciprocate).
The original poem: The surface doesn’t tell much, reflecting up only what the rain gives, its myriad cracks and fissures drowning in detritus delivered by irreverant bodies. The neon strobe inhales, exhales ambient light, bathing her as she finds solace against the wet brick, contemplating his words. She knows the smell of this alley, its summer haze, its winter chill, knows how hard the wall is when he’s in his throes and forgets that she is soft. She’ll remember this night when she’s old, the reeking garbage, the teasing smell of moo gai pan from the restaurant next door, the putrifying death of desire in a wet alley.
Here is the revision with suggested changes:
She knows this alley - its smells, cracks, fissures, detritus, its neon reflections and winter chill. Knows solace against a brick wall, how hard the wall is when he’s in his throes and forgets she is soft. She’ll remember this night, the reeking garbage, the waft of moo gai pan from the restaurant next door - the putrid death of desire in a wet alley.
The thread with even more suggestions.
I also made suggested changes to my short sci-fi fic Death Connection.Labels: Fiction, Poetry
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Sharon Cullars Coffee Talk at 7/19/2011 08:54:00 AM
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Monday, July 26, 2010
I'm on the cusp of immortality......well, if immortality is around five years. Anyway, I started a poetry game thread at AbsoluteWrite in April, 2005 and it's still going strong. That thread is going to outlast me. I found a couple of poems I wrote specifically for the site and had forgotten all about them. The themes are dark and I can barely remember writing them. Read them below. Like MommyThe child stares at the shadow 'round Mommy’s right eye. Or is it the left? She's confused, not sure which is which; she's only just learned the letter Z. Mommy mumbles, swipes at a tear as she clears the table, then shouts "Go upstairs!" The child slinks quietly from her chair, drags Sable 'cross a jam stained floor, stumbles on the headless Barbie splayed naked on the stairs. DJ has knocked its head off again and she can't find it. Upstairs, she stops at Mommy's bedroom door, sees the treasure chest. Daddy's singing in the shower... the shouting is over for now. She sneaks in, listenin' out for Mommy, DJ. She loves these stolen moments. She opens the box of powders… searches the lipsticks. finds the blood red, dots the color across Sable’s cheeks, lips, just below the nose, Sees the eye shadow, black, cakes it around Sable’s right… or is it the left?.... eye. She smiles at her handiwork, adorns herself with Mommy's familiar colors… red, black, blue… Stands back from the mirror, smiles wider. Yes, just like Mommy... UntitledRummaging through the hazed gin-wine-vermouth bottled years of his existence, on occasion fortified with lines of white, (anything to mute the silences, but Lethe is elusive these days) his will to forget crumbles beneath the weight of damnable regret, and in sorrowful hindsight retraces paths forsaken, never taken, and finds her there waiting. Labels: Poetry
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Sharon Cullars Coffee Talk at 7/26/2010 07:35:00 PM
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Thursday, January 31, 2008
Alley Reflections
The surface doesn’t tell much, reflecting up only what the rain gives, its myriad cracks and fissures drowning in detritus delivered by irreverant bodies. The neon strobe inhales, exhales ambient light, bathing her as she finds solace against the wet brick, contemplating his words. She knows the smell of this alley, its summer haze, its winter chill, knows how hard the wall is when he’s in his throes and forgets that she is soft. She’ll remember this night when she’s old, the reeking garbage, the teasing smell of moo gai pan from the restaurant next door, the putrifying death of desire in a wet alley.
Sharon Cullars, 2007
Labels: Poetry
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Sharon Cullars Coffee Talk at 1/31/2008 06:39:00 PM
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Saturday, April 07, 2007
 And yet another poem - "Celebration"
Soft and bold, with no apologies given, they move joyously, their motions flowing where blood merges with the life-earned songs of mothers and grandmothers carried forward to them on the winds of time. Venues change, but the dance remains unaltered. It moves them from village to stream, with water jars balanced defiantly on proud heads. It sends them "shouting" down church aisles, amens tumbling from praising lips. It sashays them down urban streets daring naysayers to say a thang. It sets their stride down corporate aisles drowning out echoes of "you don't belong." This dance keeps moving them, keeps flowing them, keeps raising them, and one day it's gonna soar them straight across the galaxies Labels: Poetry
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Sharon Cullars Coffee Talk at 4/07/2007 08:39:00 PM
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Still Another Poem Island SongCaribbean blue, cerulean waters, azure skies, the taste of plaintain on my tongue sticky on my fingers, smeared on my thighs. I laugh, listening to the intoxicating sound of your guitar strumming to the rhythm of the waterfall nearby. Sing to me an island song, soft and sweet, lift your lilting tones to the sun, serenade me, and join the melody of the flowing river, and waving palms. The yellow-winged parrots try to steal your tune, and carry it soaring through the skies. But you grab it back, and flow it off your lips for me to taste. I take the song in my mouth, and savor its pomegranate sweetness. Sing to me an island song, my love, while I lay my head on your lap and listen to your tale.Some music to go with:
Labels: Poetry
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Sharon Cullars Coffee Talk at 4/07/2007 06:10:00 PM
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Old Poem - "Temptation"
Oh, how am I to pass this day and not give in to the compelling sway of all that would pass my lips and make their home my abundant hips?
Though try I do to ignore their call and just be strong and toss them all, each chocolate-covered, each fat-swathed bite, teases my tongue and brings such delight
That my mouth bids them all to stay awhile and let the decadence of each defile the righteousness of my inner will that damns my appetite to just be still.
But my stomach hails them and says "come in" and speaks to me, "what is life without sin"? And again I succumb to temptation's pleasure whose pounds and inches I am loathe to measure. Labels: Poetry
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Sharon Cullars Coffee Talk at 4/07/2007 05:35:00 PM
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