Sharon's Muse.... Let's chat over coffee while I ponder some things
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Sharon's Muse.... Let's chat over coffee while I ponder some things |
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Name::Sharon Cullars
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Tuesday, July 19, 2011 Alley Reflections (poem) Revised I've posted before about Absolute Write, a message board for writers I used to frequent. Although I've not hung around the forum for a while, I submitted a poem I wrote a while back and got great feedback. Again, no matter the level of your writing experience, this is the place for good critiques (and they do expect you to reciprocate). The original poem: The surface doesn’t tell much, reflecting up only what the rain gives, its myriad cracks and fissures drowning in detritus delivered by irreverant bodies. The neon strobe inhales, exhales ambient light, bathing her as she finds solace against the wet brick, contemplating his words. She knows the smell of this alley, its summer haze, its winter chill, knows how hard the wall is when he’s in his throes and forgets that she is soft. She’ll remember this night when she’s old, the reeking garbage, the teasing smell of moo gai pan from the restaurant next door, the putrifying death of desire in a wet alley. Here is the revision with suggested changes: She knows this alley - its smells, cracks, fissures, detritus, its neon reflections and winter chill. Knows solace against a brick wall, how hard the wall is when he’s in his throes and forgets she is soft. She’ll remember this night, the reeking garbage, the waft of moo gai pan from the restaurant next door - the putrid death of desire in a wet alley. The thread with even more suggestions. I also made suggested changes to my short sci-fi fic Death Connection.
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