Sharon's Muse.... Let's chat over coffee while I ponder some things
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Sharon's Muse.... Let's chat over coffee while I ponder some things |
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Name::Sharon Cullars
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Wednesday, April 05, 2006 How to raise a rapist In the last two weeks, the blogosphere has become embroiled in a fevered debate about the various facets of the Duke lacrosse rape. Some believe that the woman was indeed raped and should receive justice, notwithstanding her occupation. Others believe that the team is being set up or, at the least, people are rushing to judgment before the evidence is in. There are various conspiracy theories circulating focusing more on an extraneous 911 call that may or may not have to do with the victim’s 911 call and that some say refutes the victim’s given timeline. The one certainty about this case so far is that there are inconsistencies. But most rapes have inconsistencies simply because no one’s memory is totally on point during such a traumatic experience. Another certainty: we will never know all of the facts even if this case goes to trial. I’m writing this post because of some disturbing statements I’ve seen posted on other boards and blogs. One by a young woman who states that athletes don’t have to rape a prostitute (inference: they can get any girl they want). Then there’s the account by neighbors of the house where the attack occurred; they tell of boisterous parties that got out of hand. One particular account sticks in my mind: a woman appeals to one of the players to stop urinating against her house; he responds to her with “What’s your problem?” And she realizes that he truly doesn’t understand that he is doing something wrong, that he’s never been taught respect for anyone but himself (or maybe his immediate family and friends). And then there are the livejournals that I have read, mostly from young white males who evince absolutely no empathy whatsoever for the victim. One blogger referred to the dancers as "sniggers" (and then tells his readers to read the word backwards). Another states that he’s tired of his television airwaves being taken up with the case; he believes TV is for entertainment and damnit, this rape case is not funny and entertaining. Some commenters post suspect statistics trying to argue that most rape claims are bogus. And I realize the common pattern going on here: the lack of empathy or just basic human respect. This I see among the defenders of the accused and this would definitely be a factor if the rape did indeed occur. What is so outrageous is that people will rise up and protest, even call for blood, when they read of an animal being brutalized. To some of these people, this young woman doesn’t equate with an animal. Somehow, she’s been rendered less than, for some because of her occupation, for others her race, and still others a combination of the two. How do young people (or any person, for that matter) become devoid of empathy? Well, maybe they were never instilled with it in the first place. You see, respect for person and property, walking in someone else’s shoes, seeing from someone else’s perspective, especially when that person is so different than you, is not inherent. It is something that is taught and learned. Which leads me to another comment I read and posted about earlier; the silence of older women, some of them white, who would rather not discuss this case. How can anyone ignore such brutality? But then someone pointed out why even young women seem more intractable in their condemnation of the victim: because they do not want to identify with her. It is much easier to identify with the men in this case, men who might have been their brothers or their sons. It is too horrendous for a mother to even contemplate her son or someone who reminds her of her son as a rapist. But here’s the point to this post: if you’ve never sat down to talk about the subject, if you have not instilled in your son empathy for the world and particularly for women, if you never bring up the issue of sexual violence, if you don’t tell him your beliefs about the subject – then you’ve taught him something by your silence. If true, how could these young men, the supposed cream of the crop of academia, how could they have so casually brutalized another human being? Yes, alcohol (or drugs) may have been a factor. But someone with a strong moral sense doesn’t become a sadistic animal when drunk; well, at least not everyone. I truly believe the mothers of these sons never said a word about sexual violence; maybe about dating, but not how it is their responsibility to not harm another person sexually. They may not have talked about race or about classism; or maybe they did, without knowing. A "nigger" casually referenced in a conversation teaches your son. So does a casual "slut" and "whore" because we can't approach the issue of women without defining them by their sexuality, can we? Referring to others as "trash," "white trash" or any other terms that negatively connotes a person’s socioeconomic class is picked up and stored away in young minds, to be retrieved later in certain situations. So, how do you raise a rapist? Simple. Never talk about rape with your son. Let him learn how to treat women on his own, from his drunken buddies, from the oversexualized media, from the violent computer games…and again, from your silence.
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